Why do I always fall for your type?

*Jamie Foxx voice*

Happy Quarantine day… don’t worry, I’ve lost count too.

I hope everyone has been doing okay during lockdown – I know how much this has been fucking with my mental so I really hope you guys are doing whatever it is you need to do to maintain good mental health, shit’s hard.

So, during the lockdown, I’ve had the time to reflect – not about anything too deep.

I’ve had the time to think about where I am in my personal life, work-life and love life – although I guess my love life is a subcategory within my ‘personal life,’ but I’m going to give it it’s own category for today.

I want to get into my love-life, mmm juicy! Not really. 

It’s not existent and you know what, that’s so SO okay right now, because a) I can’t see anyone even if I wanted to b) I’m actually sick and tired of men. I usually joke about these things but I’ve recently had the opportunity to really dig deep into the type of men I attract, and it’s not pretty. 

I’ve known for a while that I attract these types of guys, I’ve witnessed it when I’ve been in the situation with them. I’ve seen the red flags and I’ve ignored the red flags too… but, this is part of my problem, I love to ignore very blatant red flags. I’ve even done enough reflection to understand why I ignore them instead of addressing them and leaving the situation I’m in when I come across the first red flag. 

Hi, my name is Naveena and I attract narcissists. 

Ugh, narcissists. 

Narcissistic
adjective 
1. Having or showing an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.

I’ve never really used this word, it’s not one I’ve needed to use in my everyday vocabulary but let me tell you, I’ve used it almost 10 times a day for the last few weeks.

I tend to realise that the guys that I’ve been dating or talking to were narcissistic sociopaths after we’d stop talking. That’s when I’ve realised their excessive need for self-admiration and their genuine belief that they’re too good or higher than others and therefore cannot associate with them. 

It’s after I’ve told them that I think it’s best that we part ways, that I realise their lack of empathy towards me and my feelings and their arrogant attitude towards any situation that doesn’t go their way. 

It’s a shame that people show their true colours when you’re already feeling some type of way about them, shit’s ugly darg. 

I’m going to list a few things some of my old tings did that were red flags and I ignored, keeping in mind that each of these things happened more than once:

  • He’d say he really wanted to see me, it’d been so long. But when we had plans he’d ask just before we’d planned to meet if I still wanted to do something or he’d say he’s with the mandem and he couldn’t. 
  • He’d get really defensive as soon as I’d confront him, even a little bit, about little things. 
  • He’d fit me into his day and let me know how ‘busy’ he is and make me aware that he’s just about managed to fit me in – even if that was a phone call. 
  • He’d often explain he’s usually really shit with his message reply times and so, I should basically be so lucky. 
  • He’d joke, but not really joke, about his appearance. He thought very highly of himself, but not a normal amount, though, he thought he was THAT guy. 
  • He’d use his feelings as a defence whenever I would explain or try and talk about my feelings because he thought his feelings could counteract mine. 
  • He’d quite often ask for reassurance from me on his appearance – almost fish for compliments but then take them as if I’ve complimented him off my own back. 

I did some research into ‘signs of a narcissist’ and interestingly, found that the inability to truly be vulnerable was one of the signs and this made so much sense. As I mentioned before, I’ve realised after ending a situation with someone that they have a personality disorder, and a very common denominator I’ve found when ending something from my experience is being sent emojis as a response – wild. 

For perspective, a guy I recently spoke to told me that he loved me, A WHOLE LOVE WORD and less than a week later when I decided I was done, his response was “🤝,” which I thought was wild, wild wild. Another narcissistic trait is entitlement, why did he think he was entitled to tell me that he loved me multiple times? Especially after I told him I wasn’t at that stage!

Another guy who had put in work for over a year to just speak to me, let alone take me out on a date which he got to do a year after being rejected, replied “🤘💪,” when I told him I think it’s best we stick to what we know – being single. All that catting, for what? 

And for the record, I have been super empathetic when ending it with these guys, you know, putting their feelings first – all the things they didn’t do with me. 

Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I’m to blame for the way I’ve been treated…

My recent experiences have taught me that it’s really time to create some boundaries. It’s time to be firm with what I do and don’t accept and keep my criteria tight. Through research, I’ve learnt while people carry narcissistic traits, the reason why I attract them is partly because of my lack of belief in my own sauce – well, it’s time I believe in it and understand how I deserve to be treated.