Heartbreak

Me in 2020…

Well. It happened. 

I’ve finally experienced it. Or, experiencing it, I should say.

It’s funny because while I’ve never been in a titled or long-term relationship I honestly thought I’d experience the good times that come from a relationship before I experience the heartbreak that comes from a situationship. 

As hard as it is for me to admit, a lot of my heartbreak is my fault – self-inflicted, you might say. The guy I’m heartbroken over is probably unaware of how I feel…  

I won’t go into the details of me and the guy, but I just need to write this to express how I feel now… the aftermath.

By the way, I’m writing this while I listen to The Emancipation of Mimi – deluxe version. So you know I’m sad, sad.

It’s so hard to explain because I’ve never felt this type of sadness before. I’ve never felt an empty sadness before. I’ve only ever felt full of sadness – does that even make sense? Probably not, but neither does this feeling.

A term that I’ve become pretty familiar with these last few days is ‘drowning.’ I feel like I’m drowning in sadness.

I feel like I’m downing in a bottomless pit of fucking sadness. 

Deep.

I’ve gone to sleep the last few nights so sad and woken up even sadder. For me, this ain’t it, I know myself well enough to understand whatever I’m feeling just before I sleep, I will wake up feeling the exact same way.

I’ve tried to avoid sleeping sad but the more I avoid it, the sadder I feel. Being sad does not suit me, at all. 

I hate only having one thing to talk to my friends about. The fact that I’m annoying them with the same old flipping story annoys ME!

Keeping busy has helped. I work during the day and speak to my friends all night. Today I went out and I lowkey didn’t want to go home because what am I going to do at home? Be sad – not my portion.

Deactivating Instagram and removing Snapchat has definitely helped, though. The fear of accidentally coming across him on someone’s Story was real.

Like I said before, a large portion of my heartbreak is self-inflicted. I created an idea of someone, I once knew – he wasn’t even real by the end of it, just an idea of the perfect person.

The guy I referenced earlier did have some of the same attributes I’d given to the idea I’d created in my head. He was polite, well-mannered, talented, funny, good-looking, career-focused and I thought he was everything I wanted.

But I soon realised I’d spent so much of my free time thinking or talking about him that I started to add traits to his personality that weren’t true. I thought of so many perfect scenarios in my head that included him and believed they could happen, in the future.

I lost sight of the fact that while this person had many attributes that I loved he also had some traits that were the worst such as a massive ego, no respect for me or my time, rude, unaccountable, immature, confused, misleading and so many other things that if I continued, I’d end up cussing him.

I wanted to believe all the good things, so much so, that all the bad things got blurry. 

I fell in love with the idea of him. 

So it really broke my heart when the real him showed me that my idea of him wasn’t even close to the real him and he really didn’t care, want or respect me… even though some of his actions suggested otherwise. 

I hate that I still really care about someone who doesn’t care about me, my well-being or my safety. I hate that if he told me, after everything that’s happened, to come back and try again, I would.

This heartbreak thing is so long, I’m tired, and it’s not even been a week yet. 

Me in 2022…

Reading this blog reminded me that I was so sad, at the time, but I don’t know if I’d call it heartbreak now. I don’t think I even know what heartbreak is supposed to feel like.

It’s been great to read this being so far removed from the situation. It’s made me realise that no matter how sad I am, I will always get through these not-so-nice heightened feelings and emotions.

If I hadn’t gone through this God know when I’d have realised what I want or looked for in a significant other, but at least I know now. So I really thank God for this ‘heartbreak.’

If I could share any piece of advice now I’ve made it through the shit-storm, it would be to let yourself feel sad and remember that you don’t have to give yourself a time limit or deadline to get over a not-so-nice emotion or feeling you might have.

Love from, your favourite heartbreak-ish survivor. X